1. |
opener
05:19
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tonight will be the night, i'm going to make this right. i ran out the door so fast, they thought i wouldn't come back; back to the same three days over and over again. fraction of zero sum, ad infinitum: all the regret i keep, all the mistakes i dread, exhausted from oversleep, awake but still in bed, ashamed of the things i've said, afraid of what's in my head. so under this bridge i'll stay, and wait for the same three days to end.
i sob when i speak, they're looking at me but i can't tell what they see. my thoughts slow to a crawl, i embrace the fall, so i won't answer your calls.
it wasn't always this way: perpetually in the gray. solace in empty fate, the years evaporate. but within the harsh spotlight, i bury myself inside, 'cause every time that i think i let you go. they will construct this maze of fear that i navigate. i'll attempt to parse my place, you'll define everything. i'll finally shut my mouth, feel both my feet touch ground, put an end to this run, just say the word and i'll jump.
"to everyone: yeah, you were right, i'll never get better and i'm sorry. next time, i won't sob when i speak, i'll be at peace because it's not "want" it's "need". i need to be someone else".
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2. |
life
04:23
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i couldn't get my life back, i couldn't save myself. all the words of my mother hang heavy over me. it's summer in texas, 2003. i dissociate, the world around me fades. there is no self if there is no one else, so i isolate and suppress discomfort, and i sacrifice any shred of my own self-worth. while i put so much faith
in my open eyes, i have never felt so lonely and desperate.
i couldn't get my life back, i didn't stand a chance. all the pain within my past weighs heavy on my heart. the euphoria won't last, it'll tear your life apart. i feel the same; the world around me changed. it is a mess, and i could not make sense of the brave new world i navigate alone, or my hyper-vulnerability i now call home, 'cause i put so much trust in their shifting words, and i have never felt so stupid and useless before. but it is all my fault, i never should have trusted them. it's easy to smile and wave, to tell them one thing to their face, it's hard to tell the truth. yeah, it is all my fault, but how could i have known that what people call low self-esteem is really just seeing yourself the way other people see you?
i couldn't get my life back.
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3. |
safe
05:00
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they broke the foundation, removed the blindfold, and pushed me far. the weight of the world falls into the laps of the ones who made me this way. we play this game, and shift the blame, and change its name, to "keep one another safe". we swallow pride, our doors blown wide, and now we're waiting by the hour. we rip and tear ourselves apart, and then we're stripped of any context, but why? the same rules apply: if you think youre fine, i won't call it a lie, but where's that leave us? who've done all we can? wrecked our lives to reach a goal we weren't built for and now we're slowly healing?
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4. |
stumble
03:56
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we stumble into our dirty bedroom, unload and undress, collapse into bed. brushing away the past from our shoulders; another night, another day older. we discard our regrets and sleep in our secrets. you realize you don't know how to tell me the truth, and i accept it: i'm never happy to see you. we wake up early every day for weeks, drive for long hours, take three person showers. you're counting the days until you see him again, another night, another day spent shutting my mouth tight, looking on the bright side. we knew from the start this would crush both of our hearts, but what can i say? we did it anyway. but it is okay, we figured things would end up this way. and it is okay, i know i'll stop breathing one day, and i'll never be able to justify the ways that i lived my only life. i just want something to feel all right, something to show for all this time. how many times will i pour my heart into another person's failure to move? how many times can we give this a try? how many nights will i lie awake waiting?
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5. |
fathers
03:44
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i tried to be someone else to escape it all. it became an obsession, and i awoke in a world divorced from self; a false reimagining of which i am the subject, shrouded in abstract conceptual intangibles. i know that i'm broken, and i play the part. why try to get better? i was born to tear myself apart. this lifelong dissonance, how could it mean nothing? i become a concept inside of myself.
all the failures of our fathers can't define us. if all that weight fell on our shoulders, who could blame us?
i felt locked in a stigma beyond my control, and in my vulnerability i am fed their words and i swallow them whole. promised a way out, and i sign a contract, a widespread mandate to suppress doubt and push it all inside: my endlessly lost heart and raging mind, just keep it all inside. but the shame and trauma, how could it mean nothing? it lives inside of me, rebuilds and restarts.
all the failures of our fathers can't define us. if all that weight fell on our shoulders, who could blame us? our anxieties and fears can't control us if all their thoughts fall on deaf ears.
i erase these memories, and i try to reconstruct myself to fit into this life. you might want to be someone else but what good would that do you if all this weight falls on your shoulders?
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6. |
interlude
03:16
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7. |
saved
04:26
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we saw girl scouts slinging sweets. you took the market-frankford line back to 30th street to meet me there. we rode our bikes through the city all night. in the first days of january, the air was cold in philly when you spilled your heart on me. we drank until the weight shed from our skin, then you left for the army and i never saw you again 'til i broke down at your funeral. i was inconsolable. there was nothing i could do but i still wish i could've saved you.
you were enough to bring us back, we never can show you that. there will always be space for you here, we can never fill the place you left when you disappeared. why can't we undo anything? why can't we fix ourselves? is there any way out? why is there so much wrong with us?
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8. |
floor
04:02
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i have a vision, i have high hopes. it'll be worth it in the grand scope. things will only get better for us, and i will never leave california. i'll wait forever for this to work. you're my best friend and you're my self-worth. the risk is nothing i can't bare.
shoveled and dragged, used like a rag. i'll make this right. i'll take your advice, this time.
you knew you'd break me, you got what you wanted. one day i woke up, but i'm still haunted. i'd like to think i'm stronger for this, but i'm not sure that i learned my lesson. it feels like it's my fault, but i know inside: you were my best friend but you fucked up my life. the pain is nothing i can't bare.
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9. |
closer
04:29
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i passed out, i couldn't stay awake. today's not unlike other days that led me to this place, they all feel the same. i struggle to build memories, and i can't feel what's inside of me or navigate this space at all. but all these thoughts and fears and words that imply i'm not trying, and hyper fixate on my failures, only serve myself. caught in the days where the lines bleed together, between the last scourge and the next failure. seems every time that i've felt my life changing, it's not good or bad just an altered arrangement. i see it now. my hopes betray reality, and i can't see what's in front of me. i'm consumed in a grind with nothing to show for all this time.
these moments pass and then they fade, homogenize into the gray: always exhausted, asleep in broad daylight, i wish i could sleep for the rest of my life. too sore to move, awake, but still in bed, glued to my sheets and trapped in my head. i'm calling it quits, i was fucked from the start, and all of the waiting tore me apart. the endless cycle crushes my heart, our lives fall to shit, reform and restart. we get up each morning, the past on our shoulders, and live out the same days over and over. we fall into bed, brush the past from our shoulders, and relive the nightmare over and over.
do you see it now? you read me like a book, didn't you?
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