1. |
bloodline
06:28
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do the people i care about care about me
or do they see what i see
i'm so tired of life on my knees
begging them all, "please don't leave"
maybe i'll drive up north
spend another night on ally's floor
i don't want to die is what i've realized
i want to see some more
i'm alive
i want to feel like it
i'm alive
i want to like it
you always felt so far away
in the haze of all the day-to-day
and when your father passed
i'm not even sure when i'd talked to you last
but i heard the news
your son was sick, thats all i knew
though your heart shone through
naked and true, on the day it took you too
and i'm afraid
that it's in my blood
i'm afraid
i'll be just like you one day
i know i'll be there someday
be it days or months or years
i know i'll be there someday
i know that i'll be there
open your eyes, this is your life
close your eyes, it's not just your life
open your eyes, it's still your life
close your eyes, it's your only life
everything you love will be taken away from you one day
so open your eyes, i'd have been there for you
i know that it's hard because ive been through it too
open your eyes, i'd have been there for you
you might not believe me but it is the truth
i would have been there for you
the gap in our lives felt unbreachable
now it's been years since i've spoken to you
but i would have been there for you
i know that my words don't mean anything now
but i would have been there for you
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2. |
road
08:21
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the pavement bathed in the winter's light
betrays an unobstructed line of sight
i've been searching all my life
for a little glimpse of light
weight behind the eyes
wearied deep inside
i drag on through the night
and feel like i'm finally where i should be
endless surroundings circling me
lost in the hopeful anxiety
maybe this all will be worth something
i want to see how i've been deprived
it took my whole life to finally feel alive
learn to survive off the uncertainty
is this real? is this really happening?
i never sought everything
the future draped in a veil of night
the past always closing up behind
i've been searching all my life
and just want to get this right
it felt like in the past we had each other's backs
why did i believe that?
all of the people would rather see
each other's failures on the big screen
they might find the distance reassuring
but their words really mean nothing to me
and living in fear of their sifting eyes
and fickle pretensions
really i'd rather die
doubt and dejection bubble up in me
is this it? is this different from anything else?
i just want to know-
if happiness is always just a flash in a pan
i've been trying to understand
all the things that drive me on while everything around
is all burning to the ground
its always lurked in the background
a little spark within the doubt
the need pours out in a river of sound
drowning out the endless listlessness:
"this is something i can't live without"
in every moment the light shines twice as bright
though cold envelops the fading life inside
i vie for closure of the mind thats evaded my eyes
i see the smoke filling the sky spelling out "at least you tried"
the wonder and mystery dissolve in the nascent routine
i cling to the feeling but my grip is slowly slipping
i used to dream of this worn-out endless road
i used to lust for all the streets that i'd never known
i used to feel so trapped inside all the walls of my home
i used to get lonely
now i'm never alone
this is what i want
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3. |
far
03:13
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if we drive far enough will our lives not fall apart?
are we fast enough to outrun who we are?
cause i can't hear my own thoughts over the stereo
and i can't see the world beyond the road
two months to go
and you wish you were home
but i can't follow
it's a long road
you'll figure out your own
difference is a hard pill to swallow
so i let you go
it's sad but i don't know
this is my one hope
it's a rough path
i can't do it alone
and time is a hard thing to borrow
i'm immersed within a fog again
i don't know what i want
but it's not for you to be another
thing i'm running away from
what's the point of doing this
if i lose my best friend to it
i can't fix this
but i can't accept it either
i just can't stand the thought
of being reduced to
coughing up a fabricated sweetness
smiling with a red dot on my chest
laughing with your hands around my neck
making peace with knowing i'll spend all my days
waiting until my senses fade away
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4. |
streamline
05:44
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the night elapsing
saturation coats my eyes
drapes the frame of movement
and i forge seams
in the lives of strangers
thousands of hands pulling me
into the streamline
a light fading
faint and getting fainter now
stirs me to motion somehow
it's something oblique
and unseen
a single thread guiding me
out of the west coast
into the humid air
into the desert night sky
into the wind
do you really think that it will last?
nothing else is like that
it came and it'll pass
even now you're living in the past
don't you feel the moment
slipping through your grasp?
how're you gonna spend
the time that you have left?
a way to bring them back
the words' alloyed hollow shine
the fire that fell out of my life
into the streamline
a graveyard of my time
i swear that i knew what i'd
do with the rest of my life
how do i go back?
i knew it wouldn't last
the feeling came but couldn't
wash away the past
all the years blew away so fast
time just has a way
of slipping through the cracks
displacing the moment
just beyond our grasp
will you play along
or will you embrace collapse
tonight i awake from sleeping on the floor
and feel the exhaustion deep within my core
all the things i used to love before
how come they don't feel like anything anymore?
through the dark i used to see light behind the door
how come i don't see anything anymore?
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5. |
airport
03:11
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if you don't
know how to fix me by now
will you ever?
'cause i can't keep on
having the same fights
no i can't
live like this
i finish your sentences and you
talk right through me
and we hear what we already believe
and shut down
with your high reasoning
you've committed what is wrong with me
to your own happenstance memory
it's been years
since i blacked out at school
and i woke up
in a drunken adolescent daze
in a hospital bed
you were standing in the back
your eyes heavy
through the fog in my head
and to this day i'm in that bed
with the data on hand
you've drawn a diagnostic diagram
of the faults of my brain in the sand
i know i'm a crazy waste of space to society
but i don't want that to be what you think about me
i say that i don't care but i wish you were proud of me
i've worked so hard to change this much
will it ever be enough?
cause i told my past to
a woman on an airplane
and it felt like a whole different world
cause i couldn't connect
to the person i was describing
as if i, long ago, wasn't me
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6. |
savior
02:27
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you
you're the sunlight
on a cold afternoon
and you
you're the monster
that i'll soon become too
but would you still talk to me
if i wouldn't tie you up
or hold you down
i don't know how to say it
but your desires make me sick
i can't go along with this
you
you're the savior
that i never asked for
and you
you're the reason
that i lock all my doors
but would you still look at me
if you couldn't rip my clothes off
and throw me around
i'm so sick of always feeling like
this is the best that i can get
i'm so tired of this shit
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7. |
clearview
03:58
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flew to the edge of the state
missouri kids chainsmoking cigarettes
i can't remember their names
they felt like the best friends i'd ever get
and you were like an artery
the only thing linking me to them
truly i didn't belong
but i saw for a while
the life that left you behind
the world can just transform
a service/a concert/a record store
and i'm a blind spectator
the life that you knew
strewn on the floor
so what should i say
that you're finally at peace now?
with your dead body
wrapped in my t-shirt?
i wish i had talked to you more
the only night that we ever met
i didn't consider before
it might be the last chance i'd ever get
you were like a light at dawn
the only thing pushing me along
i don't know how you knew my songs
but i was so far from home
my heart barely hanging on
perspective can change things
a stranger/an idol/an effigy
in lyrics, in concepts, in memory
there's something thats way bigger than me
now with every word
that can barely leave my throat
and every chord i strum
you'll always be there
death is a clear view
this will be forever now
you said that i'd helped you
but i'm the one who let you down
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8. |
enough
06:44
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someday i'm going to wake up
to see my eyes had been sewn shut
and i blindly go where i am told
arms outstretched into the unknown
it's all been status quo
did i lose myself long ago?
in the light of the words
the thrill of the show
or fade of the afterglow?
i used to believe
i could make my life mean something
i dont know what changed in me
but my ambition has atrophied
i've hid inside this bluff
that i told to hold myself up
but the only thing i love
it'll never be enough
did you dream much
did you think there's got to be a way
did you give up
has the real world whisked your hope away now
do you feel like anything you love
is really worth anything?
what's that feel like?
can you tell me what it feels like?
to have something to hold onto?
i tried art
but my mind was left to wander the dark
"maybe they all bought into the farse
but i know what you are"
they filmed you at your peak
now you watch as you fall asleep
a modern, curated scene
of the person you used to be
caught somewhere between
some dream life and a living dream
why did you believe
in something that you'd never seen
in your head,
staving off the apathy
is a war inbetween
the drive to realize a better life
and the ravage of time
in the end, do i see
dispossession grab ahold of me
or my own hollowed out misery
empty inside
free to be reorganized
into somewhere that you
could carve out a life
something to stoke the light
what does a scanner see?
can it tell them what's wrong with me?
why after everything
i still don't know how to be happy?
does it see into my dreams?
clearly or darkly?
i've seen it on the screen
but was that ever really me?
it's the life that i dreamt of
was the only thing that i loved
i'm so scared of waking up
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9. |
redlight
03:41
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with every passing day
the light that's guided me here's
strength has begun to fade
and dull into pretense
i'm searching for why i want to stay
but i've been coming up blank
"it lives within you" is what they say
but i look inside of myself
and i have no idea who i am
and i feel nothing
i'm caught
falling in cycles
i know
we're never going to work it out
just suffer
for pleasure in the moment
fuck it
i'm speeding towards the red light
hey, what's in your head?
is it love? is it hope?
or just faith in the sight of god?
what am i supposed to say
to explain through the days
why i keep moving forward?
will this all mean something
when the earth moves along
with our bones buried into it?
let me believe what's in your head
when you want to live through this
i'm caught falling in cycles
i know we're never gonna work it out
just suffer for pleasure in the moment
fuck it
i'm speeding towards the red light
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10. |
adapt
03:53
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it's like i run and i run but don't catch up
because the ground that i'm running on just speeds up
the air hits my lungs, my legs adjust
but i see the sun start falling, it's not enough
i need a brand new way to fix my life
something to change the way i feel inside
cause when the fleeting joys again subside
it feels like nothing could ever make this right
all my life
like sand castles in the tide
is it better or worse than before?
the truth is i'm not sure
do we adapt to all growth and level out?
are we confined within the bounds of a range allowed?
thought we could build who we are from the ground up
but i see the stars start fading, i've seen enough
i need an unknown way to fix my life
something to make me want to stay alive
cause when these looming thoughts again collide
it feels like nothing is gonna change my mind
realize what sticks and what's left behind
see the joys of your past redefined
now they're ghosts and redrawn lines
always out of our reach
as we just keep sinking
it's been so long
since it's felt like something wasn't wrong
is this growing up?
or is it something else we've grown out of?
felt like i'd trekked so far
but the roots still wrap around my heart
with every step behind you in shards
it breaks your ego
like a wrecking ball
right through who you are
when you look back
on your life's accomplishments
and they're meaningless
it's beautiful
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11. |
scramble suit
04:45
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opening
blurring scenery
boundless greenery
ceaselessly encircling
and bleeding into me
the days creep slowly by
while months leave me behind
the buzzing air droning while
we drag on through the night
there's a place
i have never been
it animates my heart
though my eyes begin to dim
this cycle
where did it begin?
i can't even think before
it's started again
now the dogs are running
and they're "holding nothing back"
they can run forever
but the callow eyes they had
are never coming back
now i see
in opposing trees
split by a ravine
through the night
an eerie and foreboding kind of light
a vulgar and obscene
nameless tragedy
blazing by a terrifying
lonesome way to die
for a while
flames lit up the night
and smoke flowed like a fountain
obscuring the texas sky
air blew by
the scene is left behind
the vibrant, savage light
is left tarnished by the night
so the dogs keep running
a crazed hunt for something lacked
they can search forever
but the fertile lives they had
are never coming back
and it's been part of me for such a long time
i don't know who i'd be without it now
but it's coming undone from the inside
and i'm evading debris coming down
are you scanning around for a way out?
cause i can see the real world coming
a black cloud enshrouding my idealistic heart
and i can sense this dream state ending
these meager strands of hope all pulling apart
i want to live without delusion
am i strong enough? am i strong enough?
to walk the path instead of talking?
instead of manning a vessel condemned to rot?
the clocks are running
black clouds turn to gray
the verdant glow of your eyes washes away
the clocks keep running
the feeling that you had
the past you cling to
is never coming back
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12. |
passenger
04:04
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you win, i'm tired of fighting
i don't care anymore
the words grow thinner each time
i've been here before
and i'm sure someday
i'm gonna wake
but today i'm still sleeping
the beams are rotting away
in this living dream
i don't believe
my heart yearned for the stars
now my legs long for the land
maybe i don't really need
you to understand
i don't know, i'm just tired of talking
i'm so tired of this shit
you can control what i say
but you can't make me believe it
guess i'll float around
until i have nothing
and begin again
in the hopes that this won't end
how it always ends
chaos takes the wheel and i am a passenger
i want to be alone
for the first time i can remember
ever since i was a kid
i've filled the holes in my
heart with other people
"you're better off this way
they'll all realize they hate you someday"
i'm sick of hearing my own name
and i'm tired of chasing things
i can't ever attain
i want to be alone
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